If I really got fit, I bet this is what my body would look like.
im pathetic.
Even though I lost weight, and im visibly smaller, im still disgusting.
I used to be in a size 11 jean. My current size 9 skinny jeans I can step out of without undoing them. I take size small belts and my work shirts that are a medium I can’t stand to wear because they go down almost to my knees. My collar bones and my neck are the sexiest part of me.
I don’t ever want to eat. Ever. I wont eat anything more then a 100 calories and I only eat once a day if I push myself to. Some days ill feel good, and ill eat like I used to. Then I feel disgusting. Im so digested in myself it makes me sick. I don’t make myself get sick, it just happens. But I feel so.fucking.good. afterwards. I feel tiny and small and sexy and beautiful and everything else I want To be. Then I wake up and im still feeling good- until my stomach grumbles.
I know its wrong. I know its unhealthy.
I just don’t. Want. To fucking. Eat.
Ever.
Most of the time im hungry, and I ignore it. It’ll pass. And it does.
Smoking cigarettes help. Nicotine curbs your appetite, so everytime im hungry I light a cigarette.
I feel accomplished when I don’t eat all day. Or if I just eat one saltine. Or something egually small and insignificant.
I don’t like the way I look naked. Im disgusting, im not proportioned right. Everything is wrong in all the places I want to look good at.
And god dammit, I miss Cierra. I fucking miss her so fucking much. But what am I supposed to say?
‘Hi, sorry I fell off the face of the earth when you needed me. By the way, im in love with you.’
Because I am. Im in love with her.
So. Fucking. In love with her.
Fuck being a shitty person. Fuck being fat. Fuck food, and god dammit, Fuck eating.
im pathetic.
Even though I lost weight, and im visibly smaller, im still disgusting.
I used to be in a size 11 jean. My current size 9 skinny jeans I can step out of without undoing them. I take size small belts and my work shirts that are a medium I can’t stand to wear because they go down almost to my knees. My collar bones and my neck are the sexiest part of me.
I don’t ever want to eat. Ever. I wont eat anything more then a 100 calories and I only eat once a day if I push myself to. Some days ill feel good, and ill eat like I used to. Then I feel disgusting. Im so digested in myself it makes me sick. I don’t make myself get sick, it just happens. But I feel so.fucking.good. afterwards. I feel tiny and small and sexy and beautiful and everything else I want To be. Then I wake up and im still feeling good- until my stomach grumbles.
I know its wrong. I know its unhealthy.
I just don’t. Want. To fucking. Eat.
Ever.
Most of the time im hungry, and I ignore it. It’ll pass. And it does.
Smoking cigarettes help. Nicotine curbs your appetite, so everytime im hungry I light a cigarette.
I feel accomplished when I don’t eat all day. Or if I just eat one saltine. Or something egually small and insignificant.
I don’t like the way I look naked. Im disgusting, im not proportioned right. Everything is wrong in all the places I want to look good at.
And god dammit, I miss Cierra. I fucking miss her so fucking much. But what am I supposed to say?
‘Sorry for falling off the face of the earth when you needed me. By the way, im in love with you.’
Fuck my life and everything I’ve done to fuck it up. Fuck being fat and fuck being unproportionate. Fuck food and god damn it, Fuck being a shitty person.
